Feeling little vulnerable today as I hit 36 tomorrow 🎂
Birthday’s for me are the best time to celebrate not just the day you were born but also to celebrate your life and the person you have become. The last few years were particularly tough and made me grew in so many ways.
2019 was the year of transformation for me, I can pinpoint exactly the week I realized that I am not controlling my life but life is controlling me and that one THOUGHT changed me.
Sometimes transformation happens naturally, you go on a path that you thought you will never take and there you are discovering things, books, experiences, people who will change you and your life completely for a YOU 💫
BUT, sometimes a loss…losing a thing/experience you wanted the most pushes you over the edge and there is no way but UP
This picture is of the day when we thought we will be finally parents soon ❤ but as luck would have it … it was short-lived happiness. I miscarried at 6 weeks after doing 4 rounds of IVF, countless injections pumping hormones in me, 10s of shady doctors without any “Seva Bhav”, 9 years of agony.
This broke me, I was literally broken and did not know what to do next!
The feeling of being incomplete, failure, guilt, remorse brought on deep sadness which led me into Depression, which I was in and out for the last 10 years. For days I was in my bed staring at the ceiling just crying and thinking is this it!?! The IVF took such a toll on my body that thinking about another round was impossible and I still don’t feel I can go for it again.
I was told to forget it, accept what is and make myself busy and I will heal. But how do you forget something that has become you??? How do you just get up and make yourself busy when your mind is running like a hamster🐹 in a wheel which has gained such momentum that it does not know how to stop without flying off the wheel?
In the depths of despair, clutching to everything with all my might to keep my nose just above the water one thing led to another and I found myself in a Therapy session and I count as one of the best decisions of my life. Talking to someone not attached to you in any way gave me a perspective that changed everything completely. And guess what I did all the talking, I had the answers all this time I was just not listening to my help. I was not stopping to breath because of the agony of what was lost!
It took 2 seesions to shook me up from my daze and put the focus on who really I am and what I still have to offer, it made me recount the countless ways I can nurture myself and value the person I am.
I got into self-help books, thanks to the Audible App, and my sister who has been suggesting it for years now, I also got into meditation 🙏, I introspected and understood my feelings and wants. I had everything I need to be happy and live a purposeful life. I discovered I have so much to give and so much to learn. The resistance/thought pattern that was dictating my life to an abyss was spotted!!! and I am working to eliminate it every day.
Another important thing I did was to lower the expectations from my own self and gave myself space to breathe and feel all the good I have in me. Jen Sicario”s books “You are a badass” helped me understand how we work as humans and what I was doing so wrong for so long.
I never knew how the belief system that was made for us by our surroundings since the time we come into awareness dictates our thoughts, which in turn dictates our emotions and how we feel all day and all our lives.
I started paying attention to how I talk to myself and noticed I was not kind to my own self. I started paying attention to my thoughts and actively corrected them all day long and that’s it!
That was it to make myself better! I just needed to be loving, caring, kind, and nurturing to myself first!
When we talk about self-care ❤ it’s not just pampering yourself with some shopping or a trip to your favorite place, its about paying attention to what you feel in a moment and if you feel any emotion other than joy/peace then there is something wrong.
Self-care is also being selfish, kind, and attentive to your own needs. We as a society tell others that you must give before you take and it is particularly true for the Ladies. In Indian culture, little girls are groomed to take care of everyone around them before you think of yourself. More on that on some other day.
Finally, you cannot control the outside world and things happening around you but you can control your responses and your perspective. It’s not easy but is unless in your mind you think it is. What you think you will become.
This simple insight helped me realize my own power!
I work on it every day on being more focused and keep things in perspective…still have my sad days but now those days are reducing in number and I strive to be happy in every moment than to be anything else!
One thing that you can take out of this post is to LOVE YOURSELF!
P.S: Although, I am not a professional but if you are feeling low, sad, unhappy, and want to talk without judgment, you can get in touch with me on Instagram through DM (@spicysweetlife_). I will be happy to hear you out and maybe just maybe help you to put you on a path of self-discovery.0 Recommend this Recipe!